Merry totally belated Christmas.
Archive for the ‘I am a moron’ Category
Day late and a dollar short.
Posted 31 Dec 2011 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, other people are awesome, paparazzi
Category I am a moron, other people are awesome, paparazzi
Birthdays and butter.
Posted 13 Sep 2011 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, retail therapy
Category I am a moron, retail therapy
Today, I turned 31. It sounds gross. 30? I was okay with. 31? No. It just sounds like a shitty comedy movie. Like, anything starring Tom Green.
Anyway, yesterday I went shopping for new work clothes for fall and spent an ungodly amount of money. I was anticipating getting some money from the folks (thanks, by the way!) and then just spent like, twice that. Whoops. But it’s all cool. I found a kick-ass dress at Nordstrom Rack for $25, amongst other things. (Ann Taylor Loft? I should own shares in their company by now.)
Then today at lunch, heated by my apparently nuclear temperature mac and cheese from Panera – a pad of butter pretty much sprayed all over my lap. And my new $25 dress.
All I’ve been able to smell is butter. Since noon today. (It’s nearly 6pm.)
Birthday and Butter – 1, Jenna – 0.
This is just a test.
Posted 09 May 2011 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category Abigail, baby business, I am a moron
Category Abigail, baby business, I am a moron
This weekend, the hubs, Abbers and myself will be taking a little trip “up nort” to a family member’s wedding. We’ll be staying in a hotel for the first time with our little firecracker. I’m nervous, but it’s only one night, and if she hates the hotel’s crib she can always crash with us in our bed. Assuming we got a king. And a ice bucket full of sleeping pills. (FOR ME, jerks. I wouldn’t give any to her. She wouldn’t need it if I can’t hear her through the Ambien haze.)
Anyway, any fear I originally had for this weekend is being grossly overshadowed by what will be happening in roughly 2 weeks. We’re taking her highness (and ourselves) on a plane to the land of Rice o Roni.
I keep trying to think about all the crap we need to get/buy/do/plan for to make this flight land safely and not with me on a stretcher in a 4 alarm panic attack. Luckily we’ll be staying with my Uncle & his family (including 4 year old twin boys and an older brother she’s never met), so many items we’d need they’ll be able to supply. But we’re planning on renting a car. Do we just rent a car seat? Bring ours with? If we do, do we check it in? Or check it at the gate? Do we bother bringing juice boxes for her only to be accosted at security for bringing liquids? Do I shave my head now to avoid pulling my hair out when she cries incessantly on the flight? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DOOOOO?!?!
great, now I made her cry.
Yes, this is a cry for help. I’m looking for any and all advice about traveling with a toddler. Please and thank you.
I’m Alive!
Posted 22 Feb 2011 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron
Category I am a moron
Sunday I drove from Chicago to Minneapolis in the middle of an epic snowstorm. It was stupid, but we made it alive. I felt as though I should share that with you in case I start having random e-panic attacks and start writing long stories about that one time I almost died on Interstate 94. (I shouldn’t really say “one time” since this was the second time I almost died on I-94. You’d think I’d learn my lesson by now.)
Yesterday, the hubs and I shoveled away the 12+ inches of snow so we could take Abbers to the doctor, since she’s still really sick. We got some antibiotics, and she’s already on the road to recovery this morning.
Anyway, I have a big post on tap this week. A challenge, if you will. Keep your eyes peeled.
And….we’re back.
Posted 29 Dec 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category blog bidnass, I am a moron, not so much
Category blog bidnass, I am a moron, not so much
After spending the last 24 hours trying to determine why in God’s name I couldn’t upload images to my blog anymore (or pretty much do anything aside from post), GoDaddy came through and helped me out. I was ready to jump ship, but they made things right again. Still don’t know why my database lost write privileges (I still blame a server move on their part), but all is well in the world once again.
Did you know Puffs makes facial tissue with both lotion AND Vicks? Yeah. They do. (This should also clue you into the fact that I’m still SICKER THAN A DOG.) Anyway, here’s a tip. Don’t touch or rub your eyes after you blow your nose, because essentially you’re putting VapoRub IN YOUR GODDAMN EYES. I blame a head full of snot for prohibiting me from realizing it before it was too late.
ANYWHO – be on the lookout for some awesome pictures from Christmas to be posted later tonight!
I’m not afraid to post an unflattering photo of myself.
Posted 01 Jul 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, paparazzi
Category I am a moron, paparazzi
going for the jugular
Yep, you can see up my nostrils and I’ve developed another chin…
…but OMG…
SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE GOD DAMNED HAND PUPPET!
Oh wait, that’s my own hand.
Phew.
Why rompers are bad
Posted 25 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category I am a moron, not so much, retail therapy
Category I am a moron, not so much, retail therapy
Recently, I purchased a romper at Target. I have since come to realize that I was drawn to the fabric print more than the “fashion-don’t” itself, but hindsight is 20/20, eh? I thought to myself, “I have an outdoor concert to go to on Saturday – if it’s hot, THIS WILL BE PERFECT!” WRONG.
Anyway, ROMPERS. In and of itself sound like toddlerwear. BECAUSE THEY ARE. Adults are not meant to wear rompers..for a number of reasons.
Do you see the results? MEANT FOR BABIES.
Right, so…why are rompers wrong? Well, first – let me tell you: I had fully intended on taking a photo of myself in this romper I purchased (see below) REGARDLESS of how I looked in it. THAT’S how confident I was that I wouldn’t look like shit. I was SO WRONG.
The romper in question
I tried it on in my bedroom (Do you understand that I actually purchased one without trying it on? Who the hell do I think I am? Heidi Klum!?) and OH MY GOD. Hot mess doesn’t even begin to describe what I looked like in this thing.
The romper in question did three things for my body, none of which are good:
- Hey, look! You’re five months pregnant! Oh, you’re not? WELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE.
- A serious case of NoAssAtAll. And trust me, after bearing a child and being on this very earth for nearly 30 years, I HAVE AN ASS.
- Yeah, I know…I have shitty posture. This romper is all, “Here! LET ME ACCENTUATE THAT FOR YOU.”
So, as quickly as it was on, it was off and lying on my bedroom floor. I poked it with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead and stuck it back in the Target bag whence it came.
After this horrorshow, it dawned on me how horrible it would have been had I actually decided to wear it to this concert. Let’s just pretend for a second that I did look like the fabulous Target model wearing it and got to this outdoor concert. Enter…the PortoPotty.
When children wear rompers, most of the time there are crotch snaps to access poo and pee filled diapers. When ADULTS wear rompers, you pull them down to empty your bladder/poop tubes.
I would have had to sit virtually naked in a PortoJohn to cut a wiz.
I NEVER want to be naked in a PortoPotty.
EVER.
Also, the vision of the lock malfunctioning and the door being opened causing a line of people at the toilets and the entire festival grounds taking a peek at me with A ROMPER AROUND MY ANKLES and nothing else on is both hilarious and probably the worst thing ever. (You know, aside from being locked in a room with “Afternoon Delight” at 11 and on repeat. (PCU! WHAT!))
::breathes::
I took the romper back on Wednesday.
Consider yourself warned.
How do I get more hours in the day?
Posted 04 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category blog bidnass, house stuffs, I am a moron
Category blog bidnass, house stuffs, I am a moron
As I’m sure you’ve realized by now…I am what’s known as a promise breaker. I know I have to unload a kajillion photos from our cameras and I know it’s going to take roughly an hour to do it all. And when I get home from work…I have a billion others things calling me and that takes the back burner. EVERY DAY. (On the plus side, laundry is done, dishes are clean and I managed to feed Abbers & bathe her a couple times in there too.)
SO. The weekend is upon us. And, as per usual, I’ve tasked myself with something nearly impossible – getting our kitchen painted. (As well as eventually getting the photos unloaded.) This photo is from the MLS listing the previous owners had, so FYI, none of that crap is mine. 
Anyway, please look at the color of my kitchen. I best describe it as “Bloody Poop.” Seriously. There is no better descriptor.
The kitchen and it's horrid color.
Why, why did they choose such a dark, putrid color? Because they couldn’t figure out what color would go with orange terra cotta tiles and brown grout? Really? I plan on painting it a light olive green. In my head I can accomplish this task in one day. However, my subconscious is also reminding me that it took A WEEK to paint the nursery. And I wasn’t covering up a shitty crime scene. (You get the joke there? No rim-shot? Okay, FINE.) In my defense, there’s less square footage to cover in the kicthen than there was in Abby’s room, but we’ll see.
This is the suspense I leave you with over the weekend. Will Jenna get it done? Will Abbers cut another toofie? Will the hubs mow the lawn or get eaten alive by mosquitoes trying? Stay tuned.
Serious mommy/bloggy FAIL.
Posted 02 Jun 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category baby business, blog bidnass, I am a moron, six dresses + six months
Category baby business, blog bidnass, I am a moron, six dresses + six months
Yep. Abby’s turned 7 months old, had her first pool party and met a bunch of family over the weekend. I also have my dresses for April and May. Have I posted anything about any of it? No. However, I promise to do so soon. I’m hoping tonight. So, hang tight, internets.
All work and no play…
Posted 19 May 2010 — by Mrs. Jenna
Category Abigail, I am a moron, RAD
Category Abigail, I am a moron, RAD
…wait, I lied. I played on Monday. Nevermind. And Saturday.
Saturday we went to Art-a-Whirl, an art gallery crawl in NE Minneapolis. We had a good time, aside from the trip we ended up taking to Target due to parental preparedness FAIL. We thought we could navigate crowded sidewalks and galleries with a stroller. NOPE. And, instead of driving the half hour home to get the Bjorn, we drove to Target instead and bought an Infantino Front2Back carrier (LOVE, hurts my back no more or less than the Bjorn with an 18 lb baby but can be worn on the back WHICH IS AWESOME) and a pair of shorts for the lil’ lady since it got a little toasty out. (My ass left a sweat mark on a chair I was sitting on. Just to give you an idea. And a pretty mental image.)
Sunday we played house and went to Home Depot where we purchased flowers, a couple hanging baskets and stuff needed to get the lawn looking good. I then battled Abby for the afternoon trying to get her to sleep. She wasn’t having it, so I gave up. I DID get my flower planters…uh…planted. So I got something done.
Monday, Abbers and I took a trip to Lake Calhoun and walked the lake. She took a little snooze, I stared at a gigantic Northern in the shallow part of the lake and walked too far in old converse sans socks. It was a gorgeous day though, and I was so glad to spend the time with my little girl. She had a blast. Then we hit the grocery store. That was annoying, as usual. But we had a good day over all.
Last night, I had the privilege of seeing Conan O’Brian live. We also saw the masturbating bear outside. Not the real one, but a pretty good imitator. I know tickets are about as easy to attain as a cure for the common cold, but if you can, GO SEE THIS SHOW. I have not laughed that hard in a long time, and CANNOT WAIT for his TBS show to start.
And to wrap up this post – THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. It’s not far from this atrocity. Either way, if I see anyone on either of these contraptions, consider yourself throat punched.
